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The #3 Relationship Myth: In order to get what I want in my relationships, I need to use anger.

(See Relationship Myth #1 and Relationship Myth #2)

How do you ask for what you want in a relationship? Do you use anger or pressure? I hear from many people that anger gives them courage and energy to progress. They go on to tell me that anger intimidates their partner, who then gives in to what they want, otherwise they are not heard. At least, this is the myth that has made deep pathways in their minds.

Still others get angry at themselves because they want to metaphorically kick themselves in the butt, otherwise they believe they’d be slackers.

I’m not saying that anger needs to be removed from your repertoire of emotions, nor do I mean that you should repress your anger. Sometimes anger may be needed. It may be your fuel to blast through challenges. However, if you find yourself resorting to anger every time things don’t go your way, you might want to explore and heal the issues behind the anger.

Anger is usually a reaction to hurt, pain, or a by-product of some limiting belief, like ‘I don’t deserve love.’ Change the meaning of your situation. And remember, no one can make you feel angry.

In addition, anger can have long-term effects on your health and well-being.

For instance, a person with continual episodes of anger has a five-time greater chance of dying before age 50. Anger elevates blood pressure and increases threat of stroke, and heart disease. It can even compromise the immune system.

Because it acts as an amphetamine, on the entire central nervous system, you might feel depressed after a bout of anger. It’s just the physical response.

Since I am the question lady, one solution is to ask yourself the following questions when you’re not in the throes of the conflict.

1. If anger was there to tell me something, what might it be telling me?
   
2. If I believe I need it, how much anger do I need to feel? And for how long?

As many have noticed, even the subtle forms of anger such as resentment, impatience, intolerance, irritability, grumpiness and giving the cold shoulder, can go on for hours and days at a time.

All forms of anger prevent us from finding solutions and keep us in the reactive mode. I tell my clients that the moment they start to react with anger toward their loved ones, to take several deep breaths and count to 10 before their blood boils. I remind them to consciously stop being a ‘reactionary.’

When clients begin to question their anger, they find that how they defined the situation, changed the impact. Therefore, their perceptions changed so they could respond without anger. They told me that anger helped them achieve some results because they were able to bully the other person, but at an enormous price. They felt mentally and physically trapped. It doesn’t really lead to happiness, only short-term gratification. In reality, it was not working.

I think the crucial question is, why would you not strive, nor ask, for what you want if you were happy? Why do you believe you need the anger to ask for what you want? Questioning your reactions will bring more peace.

It’s like the authoritarian parents who rules with rigidity, ‘‘It’s my way or the highway.” The permissive parents give the message, ‘‘Any highway is fine with me.’’ The third choice is to be firm and kind, setting boundaries and following through in a loving manner. “Sometimes it’s my highway, and sometimes it’s yours.”

On the whole, transmuting your anger will enhance your relationships with your loved ones and colleagues.

I do think that we learn our behavior from those around us. We see our parents yell at us to make us do what they want, so we acquire the habit and adopt the belief. Or as Thoreau said, “to make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.”

What thoughts do you want to dominate your life and relationships?

With this question in mind, may peace and happiness be your motivation for powerful loving relationships. ~Lenora Boyle